I can only say these things to you when you're sleeping
I hear the hum from the wires and the sounds of the morning creep in
I lie awake and pretend you can hear me

And you tell me that you're scared that you're turning into your mother
I feel myself turning into my father
So we lie to eachother like they do and say we're so happy
It's easy when you're young and you still want it so badly

I turn over again and I feel my heart beating faster
I stare out the window and I think I might scream

And I could tell you that you're all I ever wanted, dear
I can utter every word you ever hoped to hear
I shudder when I think I might not be here forever, forever, forever

The time we were alone together at the station
You were so quiet like a child and you told me you want to be taken
Just never thought of you as the kind of girl that would do that
And you suddenly seem like some faceless thing in my grasp

And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't find it exciting
Your eyes all wet, your face so warm and inviting

And I could tell you that you're all I've ever wanted, dear
I can utter every word you've ever hoped to hear
I shudder when I think that I might not be here forever, forever, forever

I can tell you that I'm always gonna love you like the virgin bride you were that night
But I'd be lying
Love is defying

All I can think is that it must be a kind of rebellion
To own these fears like soldiers and slay them

I could tell you that you're all I've ever wanted, dear
Through the day while you're breathing, while you're sleeping here
And you wake and you ask me if I'm gonna be here forever, forever, forever

Your face so twisted and your eyes alight
I want to tell you I could save you when you cry at night
But I'll be trying
Love is defying
Won't you stop crying?

We're so fucked, aren't we?

Under Pressure

I'm feeling the pressure of setting the bar too high. 

It's this weird sense of false responsibility, of constant need to work, of constant need to feel productive. It's this need to restrain myself. 

From living.

Time is going by too fast, and between work and school, and between everything that's coming in the way, I'm loosing grip of us. 

Extreme measures are on the way because I can't let that happen. Not now. Not you. 

Dialogue

Life says choices
I say they're my own and only I can be judged from them. Many will be bad ones. Some will bring joy.

Life says money
I say always gonna be enough for what is needed, maybe not for what is wanted and wished, but always for what is needed. And I rather struggle through the paycheck than letting it define my life.
Life says trouble, worries, bad things, bad luck, heavy rain and thunderstorms
I say bring it, make it hard, make it learnable from, make it self defining and character building, show me what you've got in store for me

Life says death
I shake to the core and fall upon my knees... It hits hard. For a big while. Yet there's no unbounded fall, there's allways gonna be something to hold on to. And then

Life says love
And she shows up. Out of nowhere. So amazing, so undoubtedly beautiful that makes it all... different.

Worries

If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

 

Timberland

There will come a time when I will see my whole life flash before my eyes. And the reason I've been a little busy lately, is because I've been making this last month worth watching.

Part 3 - Writing home

"Eleven-thirty. It’s hot and it’s raining. We’re stationary now, a hundred miles east of the ocean. There’s this silence in the night, such a terrifying silence. We hear the bombs now and then. Each of them kills dozens, but the numbers no longer make sense in my head. I think I got three today. Don’t hate me for that. Two more months and I’m leaving, leaving this fight which was never mine, leaving this country. It’s so hot in this place. You know I hate it. I like the cold, just like you do. I’m sending this letter home, but there’s no address in the envelope. There are only two words. Your name. Home.
I hope you still love me."

in "My time in the war"
Jack

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?

Charles Schulz

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

Oscar Wilde

In this 93% full moon night...

It's a little bit funny
This feeling inside
I'm not one of those
who can easily hide

It's just so amazing to do things you never did, to do something for the first time. It's just so amazing to get out of your confort zone and feel something deep inside you. Whether it's good or bad, it's this things that shape who you are. I don't think I would be the same person if I hadn't done what I did just now. I dont' try things just to try them, or because everyone does it. When I do something I want to do it to define myself, to see what I can do, how that makes me feel, how that makes other people feel. I overthink stuff. But sometimes I also overfeel them. And the hard things to do are the ones you feel the most, the ones that hit you right in the core. And this was a hard thing to do, and it scared the hell out of me. But I like this fear, it makes me feel alive. I'm old enough to know what I want, and I'm learning to be brave enough to fight for it. 'Cause this life is mine and no one else's, and if I don't do the things I want, no one will do them for me...
I learned a lot about time in my physics class, but the only thing important about time is that it goes by too damn fast.

Make the best of what little time you have.

I'm still here...

Toranja - Carta

20 years after my heart was a sphere

I think doctors got it all wrong…
They keep saying the heart is this fist-shaped, 300 grams weighting, constantly beating thing, and that is just not right. Hearts are spheres! At least mine is. My heart is a sphere, or it was when I was born. Now I’m not sure.

Let me explain you why my heart isn’t a sphere anymore.
I was born 7305 days ago. Some days earlier than I was supposed to. I remember feeling the world couldn’t go on without me, and so I kicked my way out. My heart was a sphere back then. A small one, like a ping pong ball. Spheres are perfect, and so when you’re born your heart is perfectly shaped. Everything that happened to me since somehow got into my heart through this hole it has, that I will call The Hole Through Which Things Entered, for now. Now it’s the size of a tennis ball. “It didn’t grow that much” you could say. And you would be right. But it has a lot of new things in it.

I was looking at it the other night. I found some friends in there, next to a can of condensed milk. There were a couple of physics formulae, and a lot of particles flying around. Somehow, there was a horse in there, which I recognized to be the horse that almost killed me and that I saved from dehydration. I saw a road mark where it said “Injustice” and another one with “Freedom”. There was my family too. Kind of hidden in one corner was a strange thing: it looked like it had been ripped, teared apart, and it was still healing. It had the letters ‘L’ and part of what I think was an ‘O’. I knew exactly what it was.
So in there was everything, everything I believed, everything I hated, everything I knew, everyone who was important to me. In my heart was my whole life.

Now I can begin to explain you why my heart isn’t a sphere anymore.
You see, the Hole Through Which Things Entered is a one way passage. Things are supposed to get in and not out. When something gets out of my heart, it hurts. Imagine the tennis ball, it’s like you pulled the little strings of felt just a little bit, without breaking them, just pulling them out. In my 175320 hours of life, many things got out of my heart. Some I pushed out myself because I couldn’t live with them, some took entire bits of Heart Thing (the thing that makes the heart) with them when they left. You wish it wouldn’t happen, that at least good things would stay in there forever, but that’s not how the world works. What always stays there are memories. Memories of good things. And you can live just on memories for a while; they have a supply of happiness that lasts a while, kind of like a battery. But eventually it runs out. To be happy you have to struggle to find new memories, not to take place of old ones, but to complement them.

I lost my heart once.
Just like that, it went away. I thought someone had stolen it, so I went to the police, but they couldn’t find who it was. I kept living without my heart for a few weeks. It wasn’t really living since I had no heart, but I kept going somehow. A month or two later, I found my heart in the floor. I put it back in my chest. But it was broken, it didn’t work. Someone had taken the ‘VE’ that was there before; someone burned a piece of it, cut a piece of it and broke a piece of it. It was not the same heart anymore.
I put a bandage in it and the doctor gave me some pills. My friends told me it would be all right, it would heal and start beating again. It might just take time. And they were right, it did take time, but it healed. It got different, it wasn’t the same anymore, but it was beating! In fact, it was stronger now, bigger. I had a better heart now. I learned so much from losing my heart. I learned that I can’t like things without it, and I can’t really feel them. To lose my heart made me realize how important it is to feel, to connect with something in the deepest of levels, to really love something. My life is what it is now because… wait… my life is worth it because I have loved. As simple as that.

So that’s it. Everything that happened to me, within these 631152000 seconds I’ve walked the Earth, did something to my sphere-shaped heart. Some things more than others, but they all did. They molded it, shaped it, broke it and glued it back together. What I learned?

• Your heart is stronger than you might think at first, and it will always heal, if you give it time.

• Sometimes it’s hard when your heart wants something but the rest of your body’s fighting it away.

And the most important law of Heart Science: little road marks that say “LOVE” tend to appear now and then. These road marks tend to get bigger if we nurture them. The perseverance of these marks is a sufficient condition to happiness.

Twenty years ago, my heart was a sphere. Now it isn’t anymore. Want to know what happened?

Life happened.

...

I think I've posted this video recently, but I'm not in the mood to search it...

Baby look at me
And tell me what you see
You ain't seen the best of me yet
Give me time I'll make you forget the rest

I got more in me
And you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hands
Don't you know who I am?

Do you know that 'rule' of not getting yourself between a girl and her boyfriend? Well... Is that debatable? Just this time, please?? :P

This deserves to be read (2)

Train - Hey, soul sister

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moon beam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Well you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

"Esta é a madrugada que ele esperava, o dia inicial inteiro e limpo, onde emergimos da noite e do silêncio e livres habitamos a substância do tempo."

Sophia de Mello Breyner Andresen

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.