I must say that once more I'm far away from my best. We're breaking now the last days of September and I feel already the winter solstice over me. And still after 20 years of summer and winter moods I can't say, why this happens, or how I change this morphosis. I know although what I do, thanks to use of empirical learning.
I did not go to classes today, in repetition of what happened Tuesday, and I know all its consequences; I know that I'll be behind everyone, I know I won't be able to adapt, I know that the chances of failing increase drastically with every class that I miss, but what else was I suppose to do? I awoke today, with a tremendous pain in my body, but it was not physical, if anything like it, it was prefixed by meta-, and the only thing that calmed it down was the idea of not appearing in front of my pears today, as I did the day before.
And why should I go? I'm lost, alone and surrounded by people I don't want to meet, greet or even know that they have existence. I want to go to class and memorize enough to not fail. Yet my teachers feel that the schedule they've been assigned doesn't fulfill their needs, whatever they may be, and so they feel that they should not be present at the assigned time. It's all so frustrating.
As I think of it, I must correct, it isn't really frustration, because frustration is a feeling one has when one wants to do something, but by somewhat unknown means can't. I on the other hand don't really feel like doing anything, so I must not be feeling that, rather something else, similar to frustration, yet different.
Different, marvelous word used to define something that isn't the same as something else. I know what to do normally in these situations, but this isn't a normal situation, this is a different one. Normally what I would do is to sit down in front of my pc, write something, ear some sad song, compare myself to others, have a chat with my friends, and hope that tomorrow to be a better day. What is different this time is a quite boring thing, and also a bit of a sinful thing, this time I envy my friends.
I envy them because unlike me they are not alone, Jack as meet and continues to do so at a regular base his perfect match (for the time being), and deWinter can drink a lot of alcohol beverages before passing out, which easies the pain and is a free pass to some monosyllable groups. The problem with envy is that to get rid of it, I must have a fight, argumentation or something of that sort no matter how meaningless, and one I shall have.
I take now the chance to announce that in 72 hours I'm going to close this blog, for good, thank you for reading, if you are any other person than me.
